Controlling the Uncontrollable
Hello Beautiful Goddesses,
Let me begin this blog by saying WTF! This month, I have experienced such a big trigger that I can barely find my center. My inner Goddess is weak, yet still alive while stumbling to stay on her throne. Well, it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t share the juicy details. So here it goes. The background story is this - My wonderful, amazing, king of cherishing me husband, El Guapo, has not always made the best financial decisions in his life. In fact, on a number of occasions, he has taken us on a financial roller coaster. Yet, with my love and support and his strength and determination, he has self-corrected and made amends. He has done a lot of inner work these last few years and has made some big, beautiful changes. He has said, “I find the strength to change and be better because of how you love me.” It feels wonderful that I am his inspiration for becoming a better man.
“It feels wonderful that I am his inspiration for becoming a better man”
So lately, I noticed he has been a bit restless and off-balance, and a few weeks ago, he came to me and asked what I thought about him buying an old classic car to restore? Sounds innocent enough right? NO!!!! It is absolutely not! His financial weakness is in restoring cars. He admittedly says he cannot control himself financially when it comes to this. We are not talking a few hundred dollars, we are talking big money.
My intelligent mind is looking at him and saying, “Are you fuc&*%$ kidding me?” “What are you thinking?” “Why would you willingly put yourself in this situation?” “Didn’t you already learn your lesson?” “Are you crazy?”
With all the years of Goddess practice I have, I know better and know to pause at this moment. I pause because not only do I have the situation in front of me, but I also have my past emotional trigger of, “You don’t love me enough to be a self-restrained, responsible man,” which is rushing in and raging like a blazing uncontrollable wildfire.
“With all my years of practice, I know better and I know to pause at this moment”
My heart starts racing, and my lungs are feeling pounced on like a hundred elephants stampeding across them. I discipline myself to feel all these sensations FIRST, and then take a deep vulnerable breathe and say, “I respect your idea and decision but I am really scared that this is going to lead down a dark path of spending and I don’t want to feel that again.” He says, “I understand, but trust me, I got this under control.” UGH!!!!! is all I can think. I want to respect his decision and the idea that he has this under control, but I feel I know better. My inner masculine is bursting at the seams.
Sooooo…. what is a Goddess to do when she can’t control the uncontrollable? She first goes within. For 4 days, I kept working with the trigger and the energy inside me. I felt and felt and felt and fought the dark thoughts that come with the triggered energy. When my energy was so off I couldn’t hide it. I made a few small “I feel statements” to my husband that we’re non-blaming.
“What is a Goddess to do when she can’t control the uncontrollable? She first goes within”
For those 4 days, I dove into my Goddess work. I took walks and prayed for a change in my perception (Coursed in Miracles practice). I let go of thoughts that were spiraling me into darker places (Untethered Soul book practice.) I noticed I was triggered and tried to stay vigilant and observe my trigger instead of getting sucked in (Eckhart Tolle practice) - this was actually the most difficult. The moment I allowed myself a few negative thoughts I was sucked in and locked in a prison of my own triggered mind. Allowing for a different outcome was lost on me.
I kept working hard though. I remembered that I could be right and not have to beat him over the head with all the reasons I know better. I kept reminding myself to respect his masculine leadership as long as I don’t have to call a doctor, lawyer, or policeman (Dr. Pat Allen practice). I spewed out as many “I feel…” scared, sad, fearful, etc. statements as possible to stay real and vulnerable, and I let him know what I didn’t want to experience (Rori Raye practice). I remembered to stay out of drama and manage my emotions (Christian Carter practice). Lastly, I remembered that at a masculine man’s core, he wants the freedom and independence to make his own decisions and mistakes and learn from them (David Deida practice).
All my mentors and teachers showed up for me, in my heart and mind, as I was battling to stay a feminine Goddess. What my inner controlling masculine boy wanted to do and say is this:
You better do what I think is best and not buy the car
I am right and you are wrong
Listen to me and do what I say
My ways are better and you don’t know what you are doing
I am a better leader!
Ugh!!!! Now let’s listen to my inner feminine Goddess:
I respect your decision but I am scared
I know you are a masculine man and at your core, you want to have the power to make your own decisions and I can respect that
I know it is important for you to feel that I trust you so you can prove me right and be my hero
I know this is bringing up old fears in me and I can feel my trigger taking over so I will be sure to not let it spill over onto you as best as I can
I will keep my mouth shut (in a healthy way) most of the time because if I speak, I may not be able to control my inner boy that wants to control and criticize you. I know my words affect you deeply.
I can manage my emotions and fears so you have space to figure this out on your own, even if you make a mistake
I can soothe my own triggers and fears to reach a trusting place inside myself to allow you to lead
I can soothe my own triggers and fears to reach the place inside me that knows you have your wife and families best interest at heart, even if you stumble a bit
I believe in you and I have enough love and strength inside myself to let life unfold without having to control you and it every step of the way
Here it all is laid out for my blog readers. This is what an active trigger looks like in my world. So, who is winning? My trigger and inner masculine boy or my healed feminine Goddess?
I can proudly say, my Goddess! El Guapo told me last night he realized that he may not be making the best decision and doesn’t want to let himself down or let me down so he will be rethinking the whole situation. He said this is causing him to dig deeper inside himself to discover his true motives and the darker corners of his mind.
I collapsed into his arms, and I told him he is the strongest man I know and that I feel so safe having him as my man. I told him I admire his braveness for looking into himself and thanked him for putting my well-being at the forefront of all his decisions. I told him I have been trying to stay out of his way so he can make his own decisions. He said, “Thank you for giving me space. I always think of how all my actions affect you, you are my priority.”
“I collapsed into his arms told him he is the strongest man I know”
Will he sell the car (yes, I gave my blessings to buy it last week) and be done with this whole fiasco or will he keep it and try to be responsible? I don’t know and it’s not my job to worry about it. I refuse to try to control the situation. It messes up my happy place. I am sticking to my Goddess work, which keeps me feeling good and growing and allows me to give him the support and inspiration he needs to find his masculine integrity. I am not his mother, I am his Goddess!
“I refuse to try to control the situation. It messes up my happy place.”
Ladies, the lessons here are pretty clear. There are so many takeaways. I would say the most important one is that you cannot control a masculine man. You must let him lead and find his way. You are his safe, sweet place to rest and rejuvenate while he fine-tunes his masculine core.
Yes, you can scare or guilt him into doing it your way but then you become his masculine competitor, his controller, and his adversary. He never gets to become a better version of himself for you. Instead, he feels controlled and resentful. More importantly, all his romance and desire to please you go away. You are no longer the cherished woman he wants to protect and honor. Worst of all his attraction fades. Yes, you might have got your way, but you lost a lot more along the way!
Much Love,
Malena xoxo