Men are from Mars....
I have a new obsession! Well, an old, new obsession. His name is John Gray and he is an old-school relationship coach. He wrote the famous book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” in 1992. He has tons of recent Youtube videos that are so enlightening.
I love his work because he is not afraid to discuss the differences between men and women. In fact, I really love his work because he takes things a step further - he talks about the hormonal differences between men and women, and how these differences affect our behaviors and how we relate to each other. It’s fascinating, and men make much more sense when you learn this information.
So, let me see if I can break this down. Men’s feel-good hormone is testosterone, and women's feel-good hormones are estrogen and oxytocin. Both men and women can and do produce both, but each of us has a biochemical reaction to one or the other that helps reduce our stress and feel good and more whole.
Let’s discuss men and testosterone. John Gray says men need 10x more testosterone than a woman to feel good. Therefore, they must engage in activities that produce testosterone regularly. In addition, a man will become a better partner if his woman can help him produce more of these feel-good hormones.
“A man will become a better partner if his woman can help him produce more of these feel-good hormones.”
Let’s get more specific. See the list below with my thoughts and content from - What a Man Needs to Express His Male Side and Increase His Testosterone from John Gray’s book, “Beyond Mars and Venus”
Alone Time/Detachment - He needs to be able to take alone time - or cave time - without her disapproval. (This is different than a man who is treating you like an option or not committing). He gets space and time to mull over his challenges and not talk about his feelings or thoughts. He can then access his clarity and understanding, which leads to greater compassion for her. One main difference to remember about men and women is that men don’t always feel better when they talk about their feelings. In some instances, they do, but mostly, they need to detach and be alone with their thoughts and feelings to work them out.
Being Independent - He needs her to not give him unsolicited advice. He feels trusted to make his own decisions and can also take credit for his successes. He then feels appreciated for what he has done on his own and wants to spend more time with her. This is because he feels like a “man” in her presence. Remember - do not mother your man! It lowers his testosterone!
Solving Problems - When a woman brings a problem to her man, especially about the relationship, he feels like a failure if she is unhappy and there is no solution. Knowing how to take responsibility for your feelings while simultaneously asking your man to help you feel better creates a win-win. By you owning your feelings, you help him fix the problem, which makes him try harder to fix it. Then, when you both experience a solution, he receives more testosterone for it.
Also, he needs her to remind him that when she is stressed, the problem she needs to be solved is her need to talk; she needs him to listen, not give solutions. On the other hand, if she is open to solutions, she needs to listen to his solutions and try them out.
Being Strong - He needs to be admired for his sacrifices and hard work. This allows him to access his inner power and courage, and she is free to express herself without fear of offending him or hurting his feelings.
“Do not mother your man! It lowers his testosterone.”
Competing - He needs to be appreciated even when he fails. (This one takes practice.) He also needs his successes to be a cause for joyous celebration. The more a woman can praise her man for winning at life and in the relationship, the more she helps build his testosterone. Consequently, the better he feels around her. This taps into the part of him that wants to please her in order to keep her, and the feeling she brings into his life. He also enjoys competing with other men for her love. He does this by doing things to keep her happy and wanting to stay in the relationship. He feels competent he has conquered love.
Using his analytical mind - He needs to hear supportive comments about his analytical thought process, like, “That makes sense,” “Good idea,” and “You’re right.” These phrases build his testosterone and make him feel great. When he feels great around her, he wants to do things to make her feel good. Remember - a man’s deepest unconscious desire is to have his thoughts respected, and a woman’s deepest unconscious desire is to have her feelings cherished. It’s a mutual dance of love between two partners.
Feeling Powerful/Needed - He needs to be asked for his help and celebrated for his support. He gets to feel like her hero. When he is needed, he feels a greater sense of meaning in his life and has more energy to support her. A man is very attracted to a woman's vulnerability. A woman who is strong on the inside yet can feel and express her genuine need for a man’s support and leadership is intoxicating to a man.
“A woman who is strong on the inside yet can feel and express her genuine need for a man’s support and leadership is intoxicating to a man”
Being Assertive - He needs to be able to express his ideas and dreams and when he is proud of something without being corrected or edited with concerns. Be careful not to “rain on his parade.” He will feel much more supported, trusted, and appreciated. This, in turn, will make him more supportive, caring, and respectful of his woman’s feelings and needs. Pick an energy system for your relationship - feminine or masculine? Let him be the leader if you pick feminine energy. There can only be one CEO in a business, and there should only be one masculine energy partner in a relationship.
Feeling Competent - He needs to be appreciated for doing little things to make her day better. He needs to feel like he can win with her. He then feels successful in his relationship and is able to access more love, respect, patience, and appreciation for his partner because of this.
Feeling Confident - He needs her to accept him rather than expressing complaints or judgment. He needs to feel confident that he can make her happy, and he will then become a more patient listener, allowing him to understand her. When a man feels confident he can make his woman happy, he feels immense attraction for her and motivation to please her.
“He needs to feel confident that he can make her happy”
Feeling Accountable - He needs his mistakes minimized, and his apologies accepted and appreciated. He will feel motivated to apologize for mistakes and strive to be a better partner. No one wants to say they are sorry and then be told why they should feel bad. He also needs the past to be the past. It is very destructive to a relationship when either partner brings the past into a present conflict. A woman must learn to let go and forgive in order to bring out the best in her man and the relationship.
Goal-oriented - He needs to be able to plan things. She should let him know various options that she would like and then let him plan and deliver. He can take credit and she can feel cared for. The key here is not to blame or criticize your man with a statement like, “you never take me anywhere….” Just let your man know what would feel good and make you happy and if you are doing all the other things above, I promise you he will go out of his way to try to give you what you want.
So, there it is! The key to a man’s feel-good space in his body, heart, and mind. The question now is what are you going to do with this new information? If you are brave and really wanting a change, then practice these things a little bit at a time and see the results they produce.
Now you might ask - why do I have to give so much and why doesn’t he give first? Well, the laws of the universe dictate “what you give, you receive.” When you set out to make your man feel good, it actually creates healing in yourself and helps you get the love you desire. So, you might as well start the process! As always, deep breath and one step at a time as we make our way back to becoming the Goddesses we were always meant to be.
Much Love,
Malena xoxo
Instagram: @artoflovingaman