Give Him Emotional Safety
Open Your Heart and Lean Into Your Pain
On this blog, The Art of Loving a Man, I talk a lot about how important it is for a Goddess to be in touch with her feelings. I describe how once you have control over your emotional world you can inspire a man to be your Prince Charming because you provide him with what he needs - emotional safety. The one thing I have not wrote much about is how to get in touch with your feelings (especially your pain) in order to give him this safety. We think that we know how we feel when we say "I feel sad" or "I feel angry," but we do not realize that we are just describing thoughts in our head. The real feelings are physical sensations that reside in our body - throat, chest, heart and stomach. This is where a woman gets in touch with her feelings. When you are sad, angry or anxious what do you feel physically? Can you actually open your heart and breathe into the space that hurts. The reason most of us do not want to feel the physical sensations of our feelings is because it hurts too much. So instead we stay in our head and create elaborate stories about why we are right and our man is wrong. Then we attack and blame him and demand he change. This is only a short term solution and does not work. The real work is in feeling the sensations and then being calm enough to express these feelings to your man. This is the real work of a Goddess. She owns her feelings and knows them on a deep intimate level because she is courageous enough to feel them. My favorite author, Michael Singer, explains this process in his wonderful book, "The Untethered Soul." He says the pain in your heart is old and it's been there since you were young. The man in your life now is just triggering it. Now your work is to finally feel it and release it. You have to lean into your pain and bring your awareness into it's sensations in order for it to dissipate. The Art of Loving a Man begins with the work you do on yourself. You bring to a relationship your own wounded patterns and the success you seek in relationships will always begin with healing your own heart. Check out an excerpt from Michael's book below.
Much Love,
Malena
Pain, the Price of Freedom
--by Michael Singer, from 'The Untethered Soul'
Wise beings do not want to remain a slave to the fear of pain. They permit the world to be what it is instead of being afraid of it. They wholeheartedly participate in life, but not for the purpose of using life to avoid themselves. If life does something that causes a disturbance inside of you, instead of pulling away, let it pass through you like the wind. After all, things happen every day that causes a disturbance inside of you. At any moment you can feel frustration, anger, fear, jealousy, insecurity or embarrassment. If you watch you will see the heart is trying to push it all away. If you want to be free you have to learn to stop fighting all these human feelings.
When you feel pain, simply view it as energy. Just start seeing these inner experiences as energy passing through your heart and before the eye of your consciousness. Then relax. Do the opposite of contracting and closing. Relax and release. Relax your heart until you are actually face-to-face with the exact place where it hurts. Stay open and receptive so you can be present right where the tension is. You must be willing to be present right at the place of the tightness and pain, and then relax and go even deeper. This is very deep growth and transformation. But you will not want to do this. You will feel tremendous resistance to doing this, and that’s what makes it so powerful. As you relax and feel the resistance, the heart will want to pull away, to close, to protect, and to defend itself. Keep relaxing. Relax your shoulders and relax your heart. Let go and leave room for the pain to pass through you. It’s just energy. Just see it as energy and let it go.
If you close around the pain and stop it from passing through, it will stay in you. That is why our natural tendency to resist is so counterproductive. If you don’t want the pain, why do you close around it and keep it. Do you actually think that if you resist, it will go away? It’s not true. If you release and let the energy pass through. Then it will go away. If you relax when the pain comes up inside your heart, and actually dare to face it, it will pass. Every single time you relax and release, a piece of the pain leaves forever. Yet every time you resist and close, you are building up the pain inside. It’s like damming up a stream. You are then forced to use the psyche to create a layer of distance between you who experiences the pain and the pain itself. That is what all the noise is inside your mind: an attempt to avoid the stored pain.