How To Share Negative Feelings With Your Man
ART: COCTEAU
Relationships are messy. They are not meant to make you happy and if you are looking to live happily ever after you are in for a rude awakening. In order to be successful in a relationship you must re-frame your perspective about what purpose they serve. Relationships exist to trigger the unhealed places inside you so you can become aware of them and feel the pain and let it go for good. With that said, check out the wonderful tools Rori Raye offers below to help you navigate this process.
Your man is not the enemy, the enemy is the nasty voice in your head.
Much Love,
Malena
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Below excerpt is from Relationship Coach, Rori Raye's Blog - www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com
So, What DO We Do With Our Feelings?
The IDEA of letting your true feelings out is great - it's in the 'HOW' of how you do that makes all the difference.
And the IDEA of having some kind of self-control, so as to not "spew" powerful emotions all over a man - the idea of CHOOSING YOUR WORDS (part of my Rori Raye Mantra) is GREAT - but it's in the 'HOW' of how you do that makes your man either feel powerfully ATTRACTED to you, or makes him care LESS.
Because just "letting out" your feelings all over a man by "telling him off" will only push him away.
And "stuffing down" your feelings and PRETENDING (to him, or to yourself) that you feel something ELSE will ALWAYS push him away. Because "telling him off" or "stuffing and pretending" is NOT TRUTHFUL!
And even if HE doesn't notice it right off (and sooner or later he WILL) - YOU'LL know that it's not truthful. And then, the moment we do something that does not FEEL like the TRUTH to OURSELVES, things go downhill.
The Link Between Self-Esteem And Attraction
Our self-esteem depends on how truthful we are with ourselves - and the moment we say or do something that is NOT what's REALLY going on with us, our self-esteem goes down.
And as our self-esteem goes down, our Degree of Difficulty goes down, and we become less attractive.
High Self-Esteem = High Degree of Difficulty. And High Degree of Difficulty = Attraction.
So, if we're feeling hurt, disappointed and angry, how do we "let it out" TRUTHFULLY in a way that raises our Degree of Difficulty, increases his ATTRACTION to us, AND changes his bad behavior?
Because the more ATTRACTED a man feels, the more motivated he feels to CHANGE his behavior in order to win you and KEEP YOU.
How To Really Get Through to Him
So, telling a man off is useless. And keeping your feelings to yourself is useless. In fact, telling a man off or keeping your feelings to yourself are even WORSE than useless.
These are not "styles" that keep things in "neutral." These styles of handling your hurt, disappointment and anger actually do DAMAGE to your love life.
So try this Tool when you're about to either "tell him off" or "hold it in" to actually INCREASE his attraction to you. I call it "SHIFT GEARS:"
Tool: Shift Gears
1. STOP.
Absolutely INTERRUPT what you're about to do or say.
Whatever it is you're about to do or say is OLD, it's what you've BEEN DOING - it hasn't worked, and it will never work - so STOP.
2. Sit down.
On the floor is great, on the couch or somewhere in the middle of the room is best - don't go slink off in a corner somewhere so he won't see you.
Just sit down wherever you are when you catch yourself about to do or say one of your two "styles" - the moment after you STOP.
3. Breathe.
Take a very deep breath, let it out, then breathe in and out 2 more times. Let the air go all the way down your body, and focus on relaxing each body part as the air touches it.
Most important body parts for this - let your shoulders go, and your pelvis and vagina go. If your tummy is dancing around - let it, that's fine.
4. Find the feeling.
Come up with the feeling you were about to say to him or stuff down and keep to yourself - for instance, "hurt."
Let's say he didn't call when he said he would, he didn't show up at your house when he said he would, he made plans to do something elsewhere when you were hoping for a romantic evening... and you're about to either TELL HIM OFF, or PRETEND everything is fine and wish him a nice evening.
You stop yourself, you sit down, you breathe, and you relax your body (Steps 1 through 3).
Now, find the FEELING by...
Knowing What The Feeling Is NOT:
- You know it's NOT that "he's wrong and bad and hurtful..."
- You know it's NOT that "everything's fine" or "I'm so glad you made other plans, because I really wanted to spend the evening alone washing my hair." Or even worse, "I got invited to do something else, so this is great..." (if it's not absolutely true.)
So, what DO YOU KNOW?
- You KNOW you feel BAD. You know you feel DISAPPOINTED. You know you feel ANGRY.
So, SAY IT!
5. Tell the Truth.
Say, out loud, without saying the word "you" - and LEAVING HIM OUT OF THIS ALTOGETHER - the feeling you came up with.
Say: "I feel bad," or "I feel disappointed," or "I feel angry."
Now:
6. STAND UP TO HIM.
This looks like: You don't ASK HIM for ANYTHING.
If he apologizes, say "thank you," and then say:
"I don't like feeling bad (or disappointed or angry). IT MAKES ME FEEL TURNED OFF."
7. That's it. You're done.
Listen to what he has to say, and don't DISCUSS his excuses. Don't get into ANY discussion.
8. Stay With Your Feelings
Now you have to follow your feelings even more, because you're going to have triggered yourself with such amazing, brave, sexy, exciting, attractive, UNUSUAL - and totally UNEXPECTED - behavior.
Your Nasty Voice is going to kick in and tell you that you shouldn't have said that, or that you should have kept quiet. It's going to try to make you second guess yourself.
9. Feel PROUD.
Let the Nasty Voice talk, but don't believe it, don't do what it says, don't defend yourself against it.
YOU are in CHARGE. Say that OUT LOUD right now for practice - "I'm in CHARGE of ME. "Stand up to the Nasty Voice inside your head in this same way you stood up to your man - just follow the steps:
Stop defending against the Voice in your head, sit down, breathe, relax your shoulders, pelvis and vagina.
Say to it - "I'm in Charge of Me," and then - and this is important:
10. IMMEDIATELY turn away from your man.
...And from the Nasty Voice and go do something fun, happy, involving, exciting, useful - do something that makes you feel good.