Old Wounds and the Man that Triggers Them

Photo Dora Maar

After many failed relationships, I realized that there were some reoccurring experiences that I kept having with each man. It was always the same story of me experiencing abandonment and rejection. I began to wonder if this was a coincidence or if these feelings were already inside of me before I met a new man. I began to think maybe it did not matter who I was with, maybe I would find a way for these feelings to surface no matter who my boyfriend/husband was or what they did. I became sick and tired of this same old love and decided to dig deep and figure things out. As it turns out, I slowly and painfully learned it was not the men that did horrible things to me. It was the perception I held and attributed to their actions and words that kept me experiencing the same feelings over and over. It was as if these feelings wanted to get out and be free, yet blame and anger toward my man kept them stuck and looping creating the same drama. With new awareness, I began to use my relationship as an opportunity to see how I projected my pain onto my man.  It was not until I stopped focusing on the man and started to become aware of these feelings and actually feel them that things changed. This is when the magic began to happen. My relationship completely transformed and I became aware of my patterns. They still lived in me, but they did not control me anymore. See below article from Katie and Gay Hendricks that speaks to this exact phenomena  call "projecting." 

 

The Surprising Reason You Become Deeply Upset With Your Partner

By: Katie & Gay Hendricks

www.heartsintrueharmony.com

If you've had the same issue with your partner at least three times, that's a sure sign that you're unconsciously perpetuating the pattern - and that projection is likely the culprit.

Remember, relationships are a dynamic. Often, both partners are bringing complimentary wounds to the table that cause them to repeat a negative pattern and project past pain onto their partners. Because the dynamic is unconscious, they remain locked in a battle and can't see their way out... unless they're able to uncover those underlying triggers. In our intensive audio program Breakthrough to Bliss, we'll show you how to do just that:

If you're hurting in your relationship, and you're convinced your partner is to blame, this could be the most important message you ever read.

First, we have some questions for you:

Do you have a hard time moving on after you've had a fight with your mate?

Are you able to kiss and make up, or do you feel the need to keep your distance for a while?

If your partner tries to get close again, do you remain a bit detached and even withdraw your affection?

Is there a part of you that thinks you shouldn't give in so easily after you've been upset - maybe even that you should make your partner work hard to get your full attention again?

If you answered yes to any or all of these, then you feel you just can't let go of the hurt. You can't get over what your partner has said or done, or what they didn't do. You're not feeling loved, and it hurts. And you're certainly not ready to forgive.

We want you to consider something quite radical - something you might at first want to completely write off. In fact, you might get so angry with us, that you'll want to delete this message.

And that's exactly why you should keep reading.

The Surprising Reason You're Upset

We have news for you: your partner likely has nothing to do with how hurt you feel.

When you're this hurt and convinced your partner is the cause of your pain, you're almost certainly projecting. And when you project, you wholeheartedly believe your problem is one thing, but it actually comes from something else.

Projection happens when we blame our partners for old hurts. We don't do it consciously. Conflict triggers unresolved issues from our past - including childhood wounds and disappointments from previous relationships.

It FEELS as if the other person is the cause of our upset, because, after all, he or she is right there with us and so they must be the problem. What else could it be?!

But projection keeps us from understanding the true source of our pain. When you're convinced your partner is to blame, you're unable to see how your past has contributed to what you feel in the present moment. You cast a blind eye to the fundamental issues that are triggering you now.

Moreover, projection prevents us from resolving those underlying issues, thus recycling the same negative patterns again and again. And unless you recognize and address the projection, you will keep repeating the same patterns in this relationship or from partner to partner - preventing you from truly moving on from fights and authentically connecting with those you love.

In this message, we'll show you how to break that cycle so that you can finally resolve long-standing relationship problems.

3 Ways To Know You're Projecting

First, let's look at how projection shows up and how it feels in your body:

1. Righteousness: When you're projecting, you're 100% convinced you're 100% right about the situation at hand - and you're certain your partner is at fault. You'll feel angry, your brow will furrow, and you might even assume an intimidating posture over your mate.
2. Feeling Wronged: If a minor argument with your partner leaves you feeling deeply hurt, and you experience a feeling of sadness in your chest, then you're likely projecting something from your past onto them. Maybe it was a parent who let you down, or it could be a situation from your school days when you felt as if another kid got away with something he did to you.
3. Feels like life or death: Have you ever felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety or panic during an argument with your spouse? The need to resolve something right here, right now is a signal that you're likely bringing a past traumatic event into the present moment.

(***Note: Projection is not an excuse for abuse in a relationship. If you find yourself in a situation that compromises your well-being, we urge you to seek appropriate professional help.)

Why Projection Keeps You Stuck And Depletes Love

Interactions between partners are rarely one sided.

Blaming your partner keeps you from discovering your part in the dynamic, and it results in what we call an "entanglement."

In our eBook Hearts in Harmony, you'll learn all about entanglements - the painful relationships that aren't really relationships at all.

Entanglements may look like relationships on the surface: you spend a lot of time together, maybe you even live together. You're a "couple." But entanglements lack a central component of real relationships: harmony. And projection is a key characteristic of entanglements.

In fact, we can say with certainty that projection is the central energy drain in entangled relationships.

When two people are unconsciously playing out old wounds with each other, they create a situation fraught with blame and discord - the opposite of a harmonious relationship.