Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men

PHOTO: TARANEH AZAR

     I read a lot of articles warning women to stay away from emotionally unavailable men and although it makes sense, I do think that we attract partners that have the same level of emotional wounds as ourselves. Therefore, if you attract an emotionally unavailable man, then that would mean on some level you also are not emotionally available. I know this can be difficult to hear, but it is true and accepting this fact will set you free on a deep level. For example, a needy/clingy woman thinks she is available for love, but just can't find the right man. The truth is that she is in fact so out of touch with her own emotional world she is not even capable of true intimacy. Just like an emotionally unavailable man is distrustful and caged up by his own defenses, he also is not capable of intimacy. They are the same thing just manifested differently in different people.  So instead of blaming a man for being emotionally unavailable use it as an opportunity to look at ways you might also not be ready for intimacy. 

     Dating an emotionally unavailable man can be perfect for your growth. I do not mean that a woman should expend energy changing a man or accept immoral bad boy behavior (lying, cheating or abuse). What I mean is that relationships with these type of men can cause so much suffering that they force a woman to seek an alternative solution. They force you to turn inward and focus and learn about yourself instead.  If you find yourself dating a man that is emotionally unavailable, I suggest you use it as a clue to figure out what is inside your own heart. Start to get to know your own emotional world.  When you learn to be intimate with yourself, a man will start to open and shift with you. He will begin to feel safe and comfortable knowing that you are in touch with the depths of your worst fears and heights of your grandest desires. This will make him feel emotionally attracted (aka safe) to you and he will be compelled to grow. Now not all  men will, but you have nothing to lose. Either you grow and stop wanting him or you grow and he shifts. It's a win, win situation. See relationship expert, Kristina Marchant's article below on how to date an emotionally unavailable man. 

Much Love,

Malena Violeta

Article below by, Kristina Marchant
Relationship Expert - www.connectwithhisheart.com

Why Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men Is JUST Like Rescuing Dogs

Stop chasing him and let him come to you.

Learning how to connect with emotionally unavailable men is like learning how to gain the trust of a beaten dog.

One of my dogs, Pumpkin, is a little feisty Chihuahua I found one morning under a car by my house. She was covered in fleas and very frightened. I brought her into my home and she became my third canine companion. She wasn't, however, the sweet, eager-to-please pup that dog lovers cherish.

Pumpkin growled frequently, and was distrusting and distant. She didn't allow my other dogs near her. One of my dogs is a macho Jack Russell Terrier mix and he's a real bruiser. My other dog is a sweet-hearted Chihuahua mix who's very polite and doesn't know a stranger.

Little Pumpkin warmed up right away to my Chihuahua mix but not to my Jack Russell mix. Why? Because my Chihuahua mix invited Pumpkin to come closer, as opposed to my Jack Russell mix who constantly tried to bruise his way into her space.

If you're loving an emotionally unavailable man who remains at a distance, isn't emotionally open, and who has admitted distrust in women, it's best you extend an unspoken invitation for him to get to know you and come close, rather then trying to "pull" love out of him like fingers from a Chinese finger cuff. Just like a Chinese finger cuff, his love will resist your advances.

How do you invite an emotionally unavailable man to come closer? You must do two things: sit on your hands and remain emotionally open to receiving his love.

Everything has to be on his terms as far as how close he comes to you. Wanting to see you, be around you, hold you, know you, caress you, let you inside his heart and soul — it's all got to be on his clock, or he won't trust you and will even feel resentful.

If you can handle this dynamic where he's in control of the speed of the relationship and you want to further pursue a connection, it's best you stop yourself every time you want to shorten the gap between you both. So, no calling him, touching him to force a connection, seducing him with sexy texts and photos, inviting him to concerts of his favorite band, and so on. Instead, you let him come to you.

You must remain patient and wait for him to call, invite you somewhere, touch you, or ask you questions about yourself. You must let him create the safe place with you instead of you forcing him to feel safe in a way that will never make him feel comfortable.

When he does come toward you, you have to be open to his advances. This doesn't mean you have to always be happy with every measly morsel he hesitantly dishes out. You can still be upset at him for not having called or having dismissed your feelings.

In essence, you just have to make sure that when you open up about negative feelings, you're still making room for him to come closer. You're still allowing him to make good on his mistakes and to comfort you.

No blaming, no silent treatment, no screaming, no foot-stomping, and no pouting. If he doesn't want to hear your feelings or doesn't care about your feelings (out of a sense of rejection or simply out of selfish indifference), you have to still remain firm in not rewarding him for bad behavior.

In other words, if he ignores your feelings, you don't do or say anything loving back. Even if he ignores you for weeks afterward. You simply wait, sitting on your hands for as long as it takes him to approach you again. And if you're still upset, you must state your feelings. This will show him that you aren't a pushover, and this will make him see that loving you requires accountability and structure.

Accountability and structure will actually make an emotionally unavailable man feel more trusting of you and safer to come closer. If he comes toward you in a loving way and you're happy to see him and have his attention, then you have to "melt" into his advances.

Say "thank you" to his compliments, or "that's so yummy" when he touches you in a way that feels good. It's a reward system where you're rewarding him with appreciation and love when he does something good for you and your relationship.

Loving an emotionally unavailable man is difficult. It's wearing on your soul and it can end up hurting you a lot. Many unavailable men cheat or find ways to always stay distant emotionally.

Some never fully feel comfortable coming close, even when they trust you. This is because closeness is so foreign for them, it's uncomfortable to the point of irritable and they would rather just end up doing what feels more natural.

However, some men are capable of real closeness and true intimacy. They just need a little inspiration to get back to that place with you.