Stay On Your Own Side Of The Fence

PHOTO: “MM” by MICHAEL ROTHMAN

The Real Work Is In Your Own Mind

One of my favorite spiritual teachers, Marianne Williamson, often uses a quote in her lectures that is very powerful. It goes something like this, “When sh#$ hits the fan, stay on your own side of the fence.” So what exactly is so powerful about this quote? It is the idea that when you are upset about something it does no good to blame the other person. The real work is inside your own mind. This is a very useful skill to use in intimate relationships because getting lost in the idea that the other person is horrible and has to change is a useless battle. It only breeds resentment and disconnection. On top of that it kills a man’s attraction for you and makes him withdraw.

Know Your Own Heart

So what do you do when your man is not saying or doing what you need/want him to do? Well, first you calm down and never have a conversation when you are overwhelmed with emotions. Then you get in touch with your feelings - sadness and anger etc. Then you express yourself with a I feel……… sad, yucky, heavy, flooded, statement. Make sure you do not blame or attack him while expressing yourself (This is the hardest trick to learn).  Then you search your heart and soul to figure out what unresolved wound is the situation poking at. It’s always about you. No exceptions. Your man is doing the best he can with his own wounds and limitations in love.  Another thing Marianne Williamson says is, “It’s only what you are not giving that is lacking in any situation.” This means that there is probably more love, compassion, mercy, forgiveness or understanding that you could give and from this giving you will grow. I know it does not seem fair because we can get caught up in our victim consciousness that cries out how we have been wronged, but if you are serious about intimacy then you use every opportunity with your man to heal your heart and become softer. This does not mean you become a doormat. Doormats don’t know what is going on in their hearts and that is why they expect so little. Goddesses know their hearts deeply and always know when there is a shift in energy. They never blame their man for the shift. They learn to not take it personal. They conjure up their own light and heal. From this place their man is unconsciously inspired to do, be and give more.

Relationships for Growth Not Happiness

Oh!!! How we wish relationships were just fun, happy places to rest, but they are not! They are NOT meant to make you happy. They are meant to make you grow. Shift the purpose of your relationship and the lessons are endless. A Goddess heals her own heart and never pushes, pulls or blames a man for her negative feelings. This is how she magnetizes him. He feels the power she has from knowing herself deeply and healing her own heart and because of this he feels honored to be in her presence and he will move mountains to be by her side.