Two Steps Forward Two Steps Back

Personal healing and growth through relationships can be funny sometimes. You can make huge leaps and make personal changes in your behavior and in how you relate to your man. Then in the moment when you least expect it, life throws you a curveball and you are back to your old ways. In the "Art of Loving a Man" blog, I emphasize how important clear, direct, non-blaming communication is in order for your man to feel emotional safety with you. Well, this week I have not followed a word of my own advice and I have pretty much become the worst communicator ever!  Even though I have read practically everything there is about relationships and relating to men, I have put absolutely nothing into practice in my personal life this week. Funny how that works?? I have reverted to old communication tactics that have proven disastrous, yet I can't seem to stop myself.  My fiance "El Guapo" actually said to me this week, "what happened to all your wonderful communication skills because you really suck right now." Lol!  All week I have been acting in that passive aggressive "nothing’s wrong"  but I am going to stomp around the house and make you ask me what's wrong 30x mode. Oh and when I finally do tell him what's wrong, I am not expressing real feelings. It's a bunch of irrational rantings that turns him into the bad guy and does nothing to connect us but instead pushes him away. So now that I am aware of what I am doing, it is time to put this car in reverse and get back to the basics in, "The Art of Loving a Man." So how do we communicate with our men? I have made some bullet points that I can print out and carry with me so when I am taken over by the insane voices in my head, I can quickly as possible get back on track. Hope this list helps a few other women out there when they are feeling a bit unsettled. Much love to you all and may you grow and love as peacefully as possible! 

Communicating With Your Man: 

1. When he asks you what's wrong, answer him right away (3-5 min), even if you think your feelings are irrational. He would rather hear what you have to say in the moment than for you to bottle it up and have it come out with a vengeance later. Men love when they know exactly what is going on with their women in each moment. No surprises equals safety for men. Emotional safety equals a man that wants to commit and make you happy.

2. When you communicate something that is bothering you, just say what you feel. Do not make him wrong. Do not blame, criticize, nor complain about his behavior. Just communicate your emotional state to him. Examples include, I feel angry, sad, upset, nervous, scared, anxious. Don't use the word “hurt” - it implies someone has done something to you. 

3. Tune into your body and try to get in touch with the bodily sensations that accompany your feelings. Once you get in touch with them, try to communicate those to him as well. For example, "my stomach feels like it's on fire" or "my chest feels like it is being squeezed."

4. Do not accompany your "I feel” statements with any excuses. You also should not invalidate your feelings. For example, avoid "I am stupid for feeling this way" or "I know I should not feel this." Just say it and shut up.

5. Try to be as concise and direct as possible. The less words you use, the better. Men love concise, clear communication. They also love to fix things. Be patient when he tries to logically fix your feelings. You can tell him "I would like you to just listen please."

6. After you make an “I feel” statement and express your bodily sensations, do not expect anything from him. Tell him "thank you for listening" and let it go.

7. After you communicate, just allow life and his behaviors to unfold naturally. He may step in and cherish your feelings and try to fix things, or he may not. It does not matter. Your power is in your ability to know what you feel and be able to express it in a way that is not dramatic nor blames him.

8. With or without him saying the right thing or changing his behavior, continue to breathe and feel your feelings until they start to soften. Relax your shoulders and release the energy in your heart. Your mind will soften and you feel better no matter what he does.

9. Keep your heart open. This is something you do with your energy internally. You will learn to feel the subtle difference between an open heart and a closed heart when you practice. An open heart feels soft and vulnerable. A closed heart feels tight and restricted.

10. Be surprised and expect miracles. If you communicate with love, there is a high chance love will be returned to you.

Much Love,

Malena